I have quite an age spread between my first and last child (7
yrs.) My eldest is SUPER jealous and has been for the past 3
yrs. I tried spending one on one time with him...it's never
enough. I really think he despises his younger brother.
He calls him the "love sucker"...sucking away all of
Mom's love. I tried explaining to him that the baby needs
more attention just as he did when he was younger. I brought
out pictures to remind him of the things I did with him as a
younger child. I tried ignoring his behavior. I
thought the eldest of 3 boys would be the least bothered by
another brother. I'm wrong. He's the worst with it.
He hates to see me give the younger one any attention. Is
this a growing up thing? An age thing? How can I get
him to understand...He's not the only child in the house.
And I do love him as I do the others. How can I stop his
"meanness" towards his brother? It really is
upsetting for me that he feels and thinks this.
Thank you,
Terri E. from NC
Answer:
The first thing I want you to realize is that you're not
alone. This is a common problem among older and younger
siblings. The only difference is that some cases are more
severe than others. It sounds like your son is really
struggling to find his place where he fits in with the
family. This can be a difficult time for a child and he'll
express feelings of jealousy, anger and act out to get more
attention. When this happens, the first thing to realize is
that this is normal. He's not a bad child, he's just feeling
frustrated and doesn't know how else to handle his feelings.
It's up to you, as the parent, to show him a better way.
There are several ways this can be accomplished.
1. Cool-Down Method - If your younger child comes
to tattle on the older child then place them both in their own
cool-down areas. Place one at the kitchen table and one on
the couch. Let them know they are to sit there so they can
both relax for a few minutes. Let them know that you'll be
talking with each one of them in a few minutes, once they've
calmed down. You don't want to alienate the oldest child,
instead you want to show both children that they need to stop the
conflict. Tell them that since they can't seem to solve
their problems on their own, they will need to sit for a while and
calm down. Then go to each child individually. Ask
them each the following five questions. Listen to the
answers without judgment and don't pick sides. Allow each
child to tell you his feelings and answers without your
assistance.
Questions:
1. Tell me what happened?
2.
How did you feel when it was happening?
3. How do you think
your brother felt when it was happening?
4. How do you think
you could have handled the situation better?
5. What
could you do in the future so this doesn't happen again?
At
the end of the discussion, give your child a hug and let him know
how proud you are that he figured out a kind resolution to the
situation. Then go speak to your other child and follow the
same process. Then let them play again. This will help
your children learn conflict resolutions and the more ideas
children have of how problems can be solved, the better they are
at solving them.
2. Family Meetings - Gather together for a family
meeting once a week. Put together an agenda of things to
talk about. Start off the meeting with each person saying
something they like about everyone else. Ask each child if
there's anything they're upset about that they'd like to discuss. When
an issue is brought up, don't take sides, simply
ask how they could have solved the problem without fighting and
arguing. Ask each child to tell you what types of activities
they'd like to do more of as a family. If you bring your
family together as a unit, to discuss concerns, they will begin to
form more of a bond.
3. Sibling Point System - Sit down with your children
and tell them that you'll be doing a new, fun family event.
Let them know that every week you'll do something really fun as a
family, it could be going out for ice cream, going to the park,
going to the museum, going to the movies. Make it an event
that you don't usually do, that would be special for all of
them. They will need to earn this event as a team. The
only way they earn this event is to get a total of 12
points. Let them know that they start off with 18 points on
Monday. You can draw 18 stars on a dry erase board, put 18
pennies in a jar or come up with your own system to keep track.
They keep the points if they don't fight with each other or if
they solve their conflicts on their own. Let them know that
if you have to intervene in a conflict that they will loose a
point. Start off easy, so if your children are fighting a
lot, you might want to make the points they need to earn fewer,
and then with each week, increase the number they need to
earn. Don't place blame on any one child for the loss of the
point, just let them know that since they are fighting and you had
to intervene, then they have lost a point. Remind them of how
many they have left and what activity they will not get to do if
they loose more. Remind them that they are a team, and
they're to get along so they can earn their weekly points.
4. Message Box - Get each child a special small
box. Have him paint the box and make it his own. Let
him know that this is his special message box and if there's ever
anything that he needs to tell you, but doesn't really want to
talk about it he can write it on a piece of paper and slip it into
his personal box. Then you'll read it and write him a
message back. This is a great way to get your children to
express their feelings without worrying that they're going to be
judged or reprimanded for how they feel. Sometimes it's
easier for kids to write down their feelings than say them out
loud. Encourage your oldest child to do this any time he's
feeling upset. If he has to take time out to write it down,
this will also give him time to calm down and think before acting
out. When you respond to messages, remember to be
encouraging and non-judgmental. Let your children know that
you understand their feelings and that you love them.
5. Equal Treatment is not Always the Best Thing - All
humans want to feel special. The way we feel special is when
others notice our unique qualities. Instead of feeling as if
you need to treat all your children the same, think about treating
them differently. Notice how each of your children expresses
love to you. One might tell you he loves you and give you
big hugs, where another might pick a flower or give you little
gifts. They're showing you the ways that they feel love
should be expressed, so mimic their behaviors back to them, on an
individual basis. Also, make sure to make positive comments
to each child about their personal strengths, but never use
comparisons of how one child behaves better or one child does
better in school, because this will create more sibling
jealousy. Remember, that all people want to feel important,
and get noticed for their own, special qualities, so make this a
priority with your children.
Your children will learn from you as their role model. If
you stay calm, and teach your children how to feel empathy by
discussing how the other sibling feels, and encouraging them to
come up with ways to resolve issues without fighting, they will
eventually have the skills and feelings it takes to resolve their
own issues peacefully. Your children may act surprised or
reluctant when you begin these new positive discipline techniques,
but they'll catch on quickly. Doing these techniques will also help
your children build
self-esteem and find their comfortable place in the
family.
Kim Proulx is the creator of The Happy
Discipline Kit. A positive discipline program and tool
that can change your life as a parent. Kim is also
available to do free, one-hour Happy Discipline Workshops for
parents of preschoolers at your preschool or organization and she
is also available to meet with parents to do one-on-one parenting
consultations. If you'd like to learn more click
here.
