Answer:
Whining is normal and common
The first thing to realize is that whining is a natural
process for children. I know that might be hard to grasp,
but whining is what children do when they haven't learned to use
their words to express their feelings yet. They use the
whine noise to express their strong desire to get something or to
make you react to what they're asking. Your child is
trying to learn to express her feelings and you can help her
through this process by doing some simple things.
A minute is forever to a child
Children whine more if they come from households where they
hear the word "No" on a regular basis. They will
also whine more often if the phrases "In a minute" or
"I'll do it later" are commonly used. A minute is
a very long time for a child. If these phrases are used
often, then the child will build up frustration throughout the day
and eventually that anguish will come out as a whine or even a
tantrum.
Say "Yes" more often
Try easing up and saying "Yes" more often. Pick
your battles more carefully and when you find yourself wanting to
use the word "No", ask yourself if "No" really
has to be the answer or if saying "Yes" might be
ok. Be more present with your child at all times. When your
child approaches you with a question, look at her and really
listen so she knows that she has your full attention. If your
child asks for a cup of milk when you're balancing the checkbook,
instead of saying "In a minute" just say, "Ok, I'll
get you a glass of milk". Then finish what you were
doing and get up and get her a drink. She might still need
to wait for a few seconds, but she knows that you're going to get
the drink for her and feels satisfied with your answer. You
might even suggest that she get the cup and when she does, you'll
get the milk. That gives you a little time to complete your
task before having to attend to your child's needs.
Concentrate more on feelings rather than frustrations
When your child is whining and you're feeling frustrated, it's
difficult to hold on to the loving feelings that you ordinarily
encounter when your child is with you. Try to envision that
your body is transparent and the whining is going right through
you, rather than hitting that wall inside you where the negative
feelings are stored. Once you become detached from the
whining and get no emotional charge from it, then you can begin to
approach your child out of love and help her learn a better way to
express her feelings. When she's whining, tell her how you
feel when she whines. Ask her to tell you how she's feeling
when she's whining. Ask her if she can think of another way,
besides whining, to let you know how she's feeling. Suggest
ideas and ask her if she thinks those would work. Let her
come to her own conclusions and share her feelings with you.
The more often you discuss feelings with your daughter, and allow
her to come up with her own ideas, the greater she'll be at making
the right choices about how to communicate her feelings in the
future.
Express feelings using words not whines
When you notice your child getting into "whine
mode", remember to focus on your child's feelings.
Start a dialogue, with your child, about how she's feeling and
remind her of the importance of expressing her feelings using
words not whines. Let your child know that her whines
confuse you and that you are never quite sure what she's trying to
tell you when she whines. Let her know that her feelings are
very important to you and that you'd like her to tell you how
she's feeling instead of using whines. Eventually her whines
will stop and your child will learn effective communication skills
to let you know her wants and needs.
Kim Proulx is the creator of The Happy
Discipline Kit. A positive discipline program and tool
that can change your life as a parent. Kim is also
available to do free, one-hour Happy Discipline Workshops for
parents of preschoolers at your preschool or organization and she
is also available to meet with parents to do one-on-one parenting
consultations. If you'd like to learn more click
here.
