My Child Just Won't Listen
Question:
My 5 year old son is in a world of his
own. When I want him to listen to me he'll pretend he hears
me, but then starts doing something silly. He doesn't ever
take me seriously. How do I get my son to listen to
me?
Thanks,
Kara B.
Answer:
Don't worry, you're not alone.
Many parents are frustrated because they have to repeat their
requests or demands over and over again before their child will
listen. This can be quite frustrating, but it can also be
changed. You won't be ignored forever. With some
simple tactics you can have your child responding to your requests
in no time.
Simple Statements
If you listen to children talk to each other
they never use long sentences. They tend to talk using a
chopped up version of the English language. This is a tactic
that you can use to get your child's attention. If you tend
to ramble on when giving your son instructions you might want to
rethink that approach. Give your son short, simple commands
and he'll be more likely to listen to you. If you want your
son to clean up the table after breakfast, get down on your son's
level and say, "Joe, bowl, spoon and napkin to the sink
please!" Now he's heard your request in very simple,
straight forward terms and can't possibly misunderstand what
you're asking of him. You can use the same tactic when
requesting that he stop a negative action. If he's hitting
his brother you can say, "Joe, hands off your brother
now!" Make sure to get down on his level. Say the
statement in a firm voice and look him in the eye so he knows you
mean business.
Logical Consequences Get a Child's Attention
There are three ways to use logical
consequences. 1.) You can use logical consequences when requesting
that your child do something you'd like him to do. 2.) You
can use them when asking your child to stop doing a negative
behavior. 3.) You can use them when your child has done a negative
behavior and you need a punishment to fit the "kiddie
crime."
#1) Logical Consequences When Used as a
Request. Example: If you think your child should take a
coat to the restaurant because he's always cold and complains
often, then instead of demanding he take his coat, present him
with the possible consequences and allow him to make the
decision. Say, "Joe, it seems that every time we go to
a restaurant they have the air conditioning up really high and
we're all quite cold. You might want to take your
coat." If he says, "No!" to your request then
say, "So if you don't take your coat and we get there and
you're really cold like last time, how will you feel? Do you
think you might not enjoy your lunch as much if you're too
cold?'' Talk with him about what could happen if he gets
there and it's cold and he doesn't have his coat. Then let
him make his own decision. If he chooses not to bring his
coat then let him experience the consequence of being too cold and
remind him that it was his choice not to bring his coat and you
warned him of the consequence. What do you think he'll
choose next time?
#2.) Logical Consequences When Asking a Child to Stop a
Negative Behavior. Example: If your child
is whining and you want him to calm down you can say, "Joe,
you're whining and need to calm down so you can either go to your
room or sit on that chair to calm yourself. You
pick." This way he feels like he can make the choice,
but either way he's going to do what you want. Example 2: If
your child is jumping on the couch you say, "Joe, No Jumping!
You can either sit on the couch or stand on the floor. You
pick." He'll appreciate the choice and make one of them
and his negative behavior will stop without a power struggle
ensuing.
#3.) Logical Consequences as Punishment.
Example: If your child keeps coming out of his room after he was
supposed to go to bed you create a punishment that fits the
unwanted behavior. Say, "Joe, you must go to sleep
now. If you choose to come out of your room again you will
go to bed 10 minutes early tomorrow night. For every time
you come out of your room that will be another 10 minutes earlier
to bed tomorrow night. If he chooses to come out, don't
answer his question or respond to any comments he makes, just take
his hand and tell him that now he's going to bed 10 minutes
earlier tomorrow night and walk him back to bed. Remove 10
additional minutes each time he comes out and make sure to follow
through the next night, by putting him in bed that much
earlier. Example 2: If your child tends to keep his room
messy and you want him to clean it up, tack on a logical
consequence to get him to clean up every day. Say,
"Joe, if your room isn't clean then I won't be comfortable
sitting in there reading you a bedtime story so if you want your
story then you'll need to keep your room clean." This
way he understands that the mess is making you uncomfortable and
he'll need to clean up to get his book.
Incorporating Simple Statements and Logical
Consequences is the Key
Once you remember to keep your demands short,
and make statements that incorporate logical consequences, your
child will start to take you seriously and listen carefully to
what you're saying. He will be more apt to react immediately
so he doesn't have to suffer the consequence or because he's been
given a choice. These techniques will keep you from ranting
and raving and allow your child to learn to focus on what you're
staying. By keeping it simple, direct and logical, your
child will understand exactly what you want or expect and know how
to make the right choice.
Kim Proulx is the creator of The Happy
Discipline Kit. A positive discipline program and tool
that can change your life as a parent. Kim is also
available to do free, one-hour Happy Discipline Workshops for
parents of preschoolers at your preschool or organization and she
is also available to meet with parents to do one-on-one parenting
consultations. If you'd like to learn more click
here.
