Temper Tantrums for Daddy Only
Question:
We have a 3 1/2 year old boy, he's very sweet, kind and smart. But
he doesn't listen to his father, always disobeys and throw
tantrums when checked by his father. He doesn't react the same way
with me. As husband & wife we have arguments sometimes
in front of the little fellow. Do you think this has caused his
behavioral change.
Kindly advice.
Regards
Priya
Answer:
Temper Tantrum Triggers
There are many triggers for temper
tantrums and children do sometimes express their feelings in
different ways with each parent. Since your child is only
31/2, he is still at the age where he is struggling with
understanding how to express his feelings by using words instead
of tantrums. It's important to really pay attention to the
temper tantrum triggers. It's easier to prevent a temper
tantrum, then to stop one when it's happening. Since this
happens more with your spouse, encourage your husband to be more
present when he's around your child. Ask him to observe and
write down things that he and your son do and say before a temper
tantrum occurs. Your son might be throwing tantrums at
certain times of the day, based around a specific activity that
gets him frustrated such as: getting dressed, having to brush his
teeth, having to try new foods, being tired, being told he needs
to do something he doesn't want to do or needing a nap etc... Once
your husband has his list, then he will be able to start making
some changes when approaching your son at these times.
Children have Pride and Feelings just like
Adults
If your son isn't listening to your husband, that most likely
leads to a power struggle that eventually escalates into your
child throwing a temper tantrum. This can be prevented if
your husband begins to change how he talks to your son. It's
important to remember that children are little people who have
pride, strong wills and feelings just like adults and no adult
likes to be told what to do, or forced to do things we don't like,
and neither do children. Parents tend to want to tell their
children when and how to do things and children tend to fight back by whining, crying and
screaming because they haven't learned the skills to say what
they're really feeling.
Give your Son Choices and Potential Consequences
Suggest that your husband begin giving your son choices when he
wants your son to do something. Example: "Would you like some
strawberries or a banana?" "Would you rather help
me pick up your toys, or clean up the mess on the kitchen
table?" Instead of saying, "What would you like to
eat?" This way your son feels like he's made the choice
and not been told what he has to do. It's also important for
you and your husband to stay calm when talking with your
son. If your son refuses to listen, then tell him a
consequence that will happen if he doesn't listen. Make sure
that the consequence fits the misbehavior. Example: If your
child refuses to wear a coat, then state the following possible
consequence. "If you don't wear a coat you will
probably be very cold and uncomfortable. How will you feel
if you're playing at the park and you're too cold? Will you
still want to play?" Once your son is aware of the
consequences of his choice he will most likely make the right
one. If he still chooses to not wear his coat, respect his
decision and let him experience the consequence. Remember to
ask feeling questions and get your son thinking about how the
consequences will make him feel. The more often children are
introduced to consequences, the better they become at make good
decisions in the future and this helps to lessen the parent/child
power struggles. Make sure to also tell your son
consequences that will occur if he doesn't stop his
misbehavior. Example: "If you don't put your clothes on
right now, then I'm going to go to the kitchen and leave you in
your room and you can't come out until your clothes are
on." Make sure that the consequences always match your
son's negative behavior.
Never Argue In-front-of the Children
You mentioned that sometimes you and your husband argue
in-front-of your bundle of joy. It's important to try to
never argue when the children are around. All husband's and
wives get into tiffs here and there, but if this happens try to
take it to another room or wait until your son is taking a nap or
has gone to bed for the evening before getting heated.
Children always think that everything is their fault, so your son
is watching you and your husband fight and wondering what he's
done to cause it. This could be bring about undo stress in
your little guy's day and make him lash out with behaviors such as
not listening or temper tantrums. Talk with your husband
about the importance of arguing in private.
Cool Down Spot
If your son continues to express his feelings by pitching a fit,
then you should teach him how to cool down. Ask him to pick
a spot, in your home, where he feels comfortable and happy.
It could be playing with his trucks, or sitting in his room
coloring. Let him know that if he begins to whine or throw a
tantrum that he will then be asked to go to, or be taken to his
cool down area where he can sit and calm down. Once he is
calm he can come to you and tell you how he's feeling by using his
words. This isn't a "Time Out" or
punishment. Present it as a special place where he can go to
make himself feel better. Be consistent and make sure he
goes to his cool down place every time he throws a
tantrum.
Your son is still little and in about a year his
tantrums will calm down on their own and he'll learn to use his
words more than his whines. Teaching him how to calm down
now, and working on how you and your husband talk with your son
will help this process come quicker. I know this is
difficult behavior for parent's to deal with, but remember that
temper tantrums and not listening are common behaviors that all
children exhibit. You're not alone and now you have the
knowledge of how to help your son express himself with his
words.
Kim Proulx is the creator of The Happy
Discipline Kit. A positive discipline program and tool
that can change your life as a parent. Kim is also
available to do free, one-hour Happy Discipline Workshops for
parents of preschoolers at your preschool or organization and she
is also available to meet with parents to do one-on-one parenting
consultations. If you'd like to learn more click
here.
