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My Child Just Won't Listen

Question:

My 5 year old son is in a world of his own.  When I want him to listen to me he'll pretend he hears me, but then starts doing something silly.  He doesn't ever take me seriously.  How do I get my son to listen to me?  

Thanks,
Kara B.

Answer:

Don't worry, you're not alone.  Many parents are frustrated because they have to repeat their requests or demands over and over again before their child will listen.  This can be quite frustrating, but it can also be changed.  You won't be ignored forever.  With some simple tactics you can have your child responding to your requests in no time.  

Simple Statements

If you listen to children talk to each other they never use long sentences.  They tend to talk using a chopped up version of the English language.  This is a tactic that you can use to get your child's attention.  If you tend to ramble on when giving your son instructions you might want to rethink that approach.  Give your son short, simple commands and he'll be more likely to listen to you.  If you want your son to clean up the table after breakfast, get down on your son's level and say, "Joe, bowl, spoon and napkin to the sink please!"  Now he's heard your request in very simple, straight forward terms and can't possibly misunderstand what you're asking of him.  You can use the same tactic when requesting that he stop a negative action.  If he's hitting his brother you can say, "Joe, hands off your brother now!"  Make sure to get down on his level.  Say the statement in a firm voice and look him in the eye so he knows you mean business.

Logical Consequences Get a Child's Attention

There are three ways to use logical consequences. 1.) You can use logical consequences when requesting that your child do something you'd like him to do.  2.) You can use them when asking your child to stop doing a negative behavior. 3.) You can use them when your child has done a negative behavior and you need a punishment to fit the "kiddie crime." 

#1) Logical Consequences When Used as a Request.  Example: If you think your child should take a coat to the restaurant because he's always cold and complains often, then instead of demanding he take his coat, present him with the possible consequences and allow him to make the decision.  Say, "Joe, it seems that every time we go to a restaurant they have the air conditioning up really high and we're all quite cold.  You might want to take your coat."  If he says, "No!" to your request then say, "So if you don't take your coat and we get there and you're really cold like last time, how will you feel?  Do you think you might not enjoy your lunch as much if you're too cold?''  Talk with him about what could happen if he gets there and it's cold and he doesn't have his coat.  Then let him make his own decision.  If he chooses not to bring his coat then let him experience the consequence of being too cold and remind him that it was his choice not to bring his coat and you warned him of the consequence.  What do you think he'll choose next time?

#2.) Logical Consequences When Asking a Child to Stop a Negative Behavior.  Example: If your child is whining and you want him to calm down you can say, "Joe, you're whining and need to calm down so you can either go to your room or sit on that chair to calm yourself.  You pick."  This way he feels like he can make the choice, but either way he's going to do what you want.  Example 2: If your child is jumping on the couch you say, "Joe, No Jumping! You can either sit on the couch or stand on the floor.  You pick."  He'll appreciate the choice and make one of them and his negative behavior will stop without a power struggle ensuing.  

#3.) Logical Consequences as Punishment.  Example: If your child keeps coming out of his room after he was supposed to go to bed you create a punishment that fits the unwanted behavior.  Say, "Joe, you must go to sleep now.  If you choose to come out of your room again you will go to bed 10 minutes early tomorrow night.  For every time you come out of your room that will be another 10 minutes earlier to bed tomorrow night.  If he chooses to come out, don't answer his question or respond to any comments he makes, just take his hand and tell him that now he's going to bed 10 minutes earlier tomorrow night and walk him back to bed.  Remove 10 additional minutes each time he comes out and make sure to follow through the next night, by putting him in bed that much earlier.  Example 2: If your child tends to keep his room messy and you want him to clean it up, tack on a logical consequence to get him to clean up every day.  Say, "Joe, if your room isn't clean then I won't be comfortable sitting in there reading you a bedtime story so if you want your story then you'll need to keep your room clean."  This way he understands that the mess is making you uncomfortable and he'll need to clean up to get his book.

Incorporating Simple Statements and Logical Consequences is the Key

Once you remember to keep your demands short, and make statements that incorporate logical consequences, your child will start to take you seriously and listen carefully to what you're saying.  He will be more apt to react immediately so he doesn't have to suffer the consequence or because he's been given a choice.  These techniques will keep you from ranting and raving and allow your child to learn to focus on what you're staying.  By keeping it simple, direct and logical, your child will understand exactly what you want or expect and know how to make the right choice.  


Kim Proulx is the creator of The Happy Discipline Kit.  A positive discipline program and tool that can change your life as a parent.  Kim is also available to do free, one-hour Happy Discipline Workshops for parents of preschoolers at your preschool or organization and she is also available to meet with parents to do one-on-one parenting consultations.  If you'd like to learn more click here.

 

 

 

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